wide-eyed at 4am

Emotions Run Amuck

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stress/emotions/unknown/frustrating/loss of control/loss of beauty/defective

I already feel a loss of beauty when I look in the mirror, I see defective. A blemish that will never leave.

There is a sense of dread because I know this will not be a short process.

The barrage of questions never ends.

  • Will I still be doing this at Thanksgiving or Christmas?
  • Are my days numbered?
  • Will I ever feel that this is not hanging over me?

At times everything is out of focus. And then suddenly it’s all in focus. Way too much in focus.

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I talk to people who have been through similar surgery and treatment. They have tears in their eyes as they hug me. But they reassure me: It will be alright. It’s a good feeling to have the love and support of friends. And to know that God will give me strength to handle whatever comes my way.

The frightening moments are when you hear gasps and “Oh my God!” comments when people hear about the predicament. Those times could shake my faith that it is going to be alright. But I’m not going to let it. Prayer, faith, resolve, positivity, God’s love, belief in His plan for my life. These things keep me focused.


Author: jillpurdy

A few months ago I wasn't but now I'm a statistic. That doesn't define me. I'm a daughter, a sister, a wife, a step mom, a grandmother, a friend and a Christian. I will continue to love exercise, music, cooking and food, and my family and friends. I'm stubborn, energetic, giving and too OCD for my own good sometimes. And I'm going to stay this way - despite cancer and the treatments that it takes to give it the royal beatdown.

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