wide-eyed at 4am

The Big Reveal: June 17 – 19

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It’s not that I don’t want people to know. I’m not embarrassed. I just don’t want lots of drama. Like I told my mother (who has been through this surgery a little more than one year ago) I don’t want a parade. It seems to me that some folks just revel in making a production of every instance of breast cancer that they hear of and feel that a mass of pink ribbons should accompany and inflate the drama. I’m not about any of that. I’d rather just be on your prayer list. A prayer is surely going to save me before a pink ribbon.

As soon as all those I wanted to tell individually knew, I was a little less stressed.

What’s difficult is seeing sad faces and hearing all of the “I’m sorries.” It’s what I would say too probably. I’m not complaining or criticizing. In fact, I’m sure I have said it to someone. It’s just tough. And I don’t want to lose it. I feel a duty to be strong. If I lose it, they may too. And, at that point, I may not be able to get my composure back.

I had to tell two of the most special people in the world to me by phone. My two step-daughters. The blessing in the fact they are “steps” is that they don’t have to worry fret over genetics with me. With my diagnosis, I follow my mother in the type of cancer and surgical removal that she had.

I’m not sure I could have looked at Kirsten’s or Aerin’s faces and not cried. I know they were shocked and if they were upset or teared up, seeing it would have been heart-breaking for me. I don’t ever want to do anything that hurts them – I know I can’t control this but that doesn’t make it OK.

Like I said before – what good do the tears do? It doesn’t get me anywhere and it only makes me feel worse to cry…puffy eyes, stopped up nose, and probably a headache. Nope. Not doing it.

That’s where faith has to step in and save me.

God give me strength. Help me wait. Help me be obedient.

I have to hand it over to God or the stress will eat a hole in my stomach. God is my resolve. Is my strength. Is my calm.

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Author: jillpurdy

A few months ago I wasn't but now I'm a statistic. That doesn't define me. I'm a daughter, a sister, a wife, a step mom, a grandmother, a friend and a Christian. I will continue to love exercise, music, cooking and food, and my family and friends. I'm stubborn, energetic, giving and too OCD for my own good sometimes. And I'm going to stay this way - despite cancer and the treatments that it takes to give it the royal beatdown.

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