wide-eyed at 4am

About Wide-Eyed at 4am

So this is “Wide-eyed at 4am” because that is what I am….especially lately.

Almost every morning I awaken at 4-4:30ish and my eyes won’t close back.

I can’t simply stare into the dark. That sends my very vivid imagination reeling. I’ve taken myself painfully through every possible scenario with this predicament. And that only scares the wits out of me and creates another need to pop a couple of Zantacs. So I get up and do something. Occupy the brain so it doesn’t go rogue on me.

I can lose myself for significant blocks of time when I’m working: writing blog posts or articles, deciphering client interviews or putting newsletters together. These things take focus and attention to detail and work very well to distract me for the time I’m in them. So at these early hours, I grab a cup of coffee, make my way into my office, and get to work.

This is happening regularly now, but it isn’t totally foreign to me. Often when I’m excited or nervous about a big day, I’ll awaken early with my brain already in 1st gear. If I stay in bed I will just fidget so I get up and get started with something – even if it’s just researching recipes for a dinner menu or baked gifts.

I try to be considerate and limit myself in these wee hours to activities that won’t awaken the sleeping husband…..

Why the hat? It’s my Chemo Hat – a symbol of understanding what I could face – yet representing the hope that I’m holding onto that I can return it because I don’t need it to cover my hairless head.

So I’m figuring out this process is about handling:

  • The unexpected nature of what life can exact on you.
  • A physical defect that can mean a myriad of changes to your life.
  • A new outlook on your existence, your priorities and your invincibility.
  • New types of stress that you didn’t know existed.

I don’t think that I have any special insight into this. But I can share what I’m experiencing. And if that helps someone in a similar journey, then I’m ecstatic. In the meantime, it’s very therapeutic for me to articulate the highs and lows, the joys and the fears, the triumphs and disappointments of my life’s journey.

3 thoughts on “About Wide-Eyed at 4am

  1. Thinking about you, Jill!

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  2. Thinking of you JIll

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  3. Know that mama and I are praying for you as you navigate this terrible journey and also for Dennis as he travels with you. You have the support and love of a big loving family and many many friends.

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